Saturday, October 3, 2015


It has been far too long since I wrote a blog post.  I took September off because I kept thinking, "I'll write a post later," but later never really came.

To be honest, I have been lost in self-pity.  I can't exactly contribute it to the weather, since the last few weeks were incredibly gorgeous; sunny and warm.  I should have been outside, basking in the last of summer and the very beginning of fall.  Instead, I stayed inside.  The good news is that I have almost 100% completed Super Mario World 3D (World Crown is just dang hard!).  So accomplished.

I have been looking for other part time jobs right now, but all the ones I have found are after school, and that is my prime programming hours for my current job, and I am not leaving unless I find a full-time job with benefits and really good pay.  In the meantime, at least I am gaining experience where I am.

I'm afraid that my sunny disposition is suffering the ill effects of dwindling sunlight and excess clouds.  Thankful as I am for clouds because they help the leaves turn brighter colors, I hate being separated from the sun.  I am a sunflower, plain and simple.  It makes me sad, and then I am upset because I am sad.  Then I start thinking about all the ways that I have failed, instead of all the successes that I have had.

I have a mixed relationship with failure.  Part of me follows the idealism of Peter Lafleur (the main character from the movie, Dodgeball); "I found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed."  Good point, Peter, except that I am constantly disappointed in myself anyway, for not really doing anything but skating by.  The other part of me follows JK Rowling;  "It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.”  I have felt as though I am failing by default.

But I don't think that's entirely true.  Sure, I may have settled for some things that I'm not proud of (like my 10 year "career" in food service, or a few relationships that turned out to be bad for me), but at least I learned something every time.  I think that's really the point when thinking about failure; did you learn anything?  Will you make a different decision next time?  Oh, that last one.  That's the hardest one to do.  At least when you're stuck in a failure rut, you know what to expect.  Potential success can be really scary.  It means work, dedication, sweat, or at least giving up the video games and zoning out.  It means doing things that make you discomfortable, things that make you think hard, and brings up a thousand problems that you have to face and come out on top of.

It's a hard decision to make, and a lot of people are not lucky enough like me to be able to chase their passions on a whim.  I am so incredibly blessed.  But I deserve to get my ass in gear and learn to apply myself.  I just have to figure out how.