Saturday, April 25, 2015

Gettin Real

Originally, I thought this blog would be a gay romp through my life's many daisies and rainbows.  Turns out that when you ask for growth, you are given things that catalyze growth.  And those things are not always pleasant.

The latest thing in this trend has to be that a very, very good friend of mine got a call to interview for a full-time job that we both applied for.  I was not expecting the punch to the gut that came with that announcement, but it hurt.  All I wanted to do was rant and rave.  Things like, It's not fair! and, Well, she's way more qualified, instantly came into my mind.  But instead of relaxing into my feelings of victimhood, I decided to trace the feeling down.  Just why, exactly, was I so angry?*

Recently, a favorite YouTuber of mine posted this video.  In it, she details how to find core beliefs.  I've seen this kind of thing before but never tried it.  What the hell, I thought, I'll give it a go.

Needless to say, the results I got were not what I expected.  I expected to come to some conclusion that the Universe is just resisting me, not giving me what I want because it is testing me.  And while that is true, I never expected to find out why.

I see myself as worthless.

Even though I have been going through all this posturing these past few months about how much I love myself, about how I'm so awesome, I realized it all feels like I'm lying to myself because I have been merely slapping a bandaid on the gaping wound and hoping it will heal.  I cannot turn away from this problem.  If I truly want growth, this is the perfect opportunity to get it.

This root problem makes so much sense.  This is why I have never pursued anything other than part-time, food service work.  I don't think I deserve it.  This is why I cannot land an interview with any full-time job that I am now applying for.  Thoughts become actions, and if I am thinking that I don't deserve it, then maybe that is coming across in my resume and applications.

So now the question changes from, "Why is this happening to me?" to "How can I change my belief?"

That is not an easy process.  So please forgive me any dourness that may come across in the next few blogs.  I am walking through shadow in order to get to the light, and it is not an easy path.  I firmly believe that no matter how dark and long the night, dawn is coming.  I will get there.  I believe that I will find my way through all of this and come out on the other side believing myself worthy of all the wonderful things that the Universe has to offer for me.

My time will come.



*This has nothing to do with my friend; I was angry at the people who are doing the hiring.  I honestly wish her all the best and know that she will get it.

No comments:

Post a Comment