Whew. I sort of fell of the face of the earth there for a little while. Did I warn you that would happen? Winter tends to hit me pretty hard, and my fall was actually pretty busy (playing Mario Kart and Super Mario 3D world on the new Wii... among actual work) this past year. Ah well. It's coming to close on February and it's time I dragged my butt out from its squirrely hibernation. I can feel spring on the way, and it's making me super restless, especially on days like today.
Rainy days feel sleepy and slower than the bright sunny ones, and are perfect for curling up on the couch with a blanket, a book and a bottle (erm, I mean glass) of wine. Some people like rainy days. I am not one of those people.
I mean, I sure do like curling up on the couch to read. If I had a fireplace, I'd like it even more! But rain means only one thing to me; cloudy skies. Where is my sunshine? Rainy days toss me into a torporific depression. I can usually get myself moving if it's dark outside and if I have strong enough coffee (which, thanks to my tenure at a coffee chain, I know how to make perfectly strong coffee). When it starts to get lighter out, and all there is is a gray ceiling, I sink into a gray despair the exact color of the clouds, and cannot be roused from it easily.
Yesterday was a glorious day of sunshine and happiness, fifty-degree weather and playing outside with kids. I had a great day yesterday.
This might seem like a metaphor, and though it is not exactly one, I can still use it as one. See, February kind of marks a special time for me. It has been one year (ish) since I decided to quit my job at said coffee chain. It has been one year of self-discovery, of learning to listen to my inner voice, and attempting to be truly me. As you may or may not know, I decided to begin a gratitude journal in January of last year. Each night, I would write down ten things that I was grateful for, either from the day or exactly in that moment. Some things were silly and simple, like "piles of warm blankets" and "my cats purring next to me" and "grateful I don't have to wake up at 4am!" I was trying to rewire my brain. I had become stuck in a spiral of negativity and self-hate, and I was ready for a change.
It wasn't always easy. Growth is one of the hardest and most painful things to do. There are certain aspects that keep coming back around; I thought I had dealt with that issue (my self-worth), that it was solved and tucked away neatly into the corner of my mind. I'd be glad and grateful and happy and relaxed. Everything was perfect, and I knew that I was never going to feel bad ever again. Then I'd get angry or hurt or feel lacking and all the neatly bundled issues would tumble off their shelves and I'd have to sort them out again. While this gets tedious and frustrating at times, I have noticed that the more I have to put them back in place, the more I find that my issues are becoming more manageable.
It hasn't been a slow, steady upward momentum from last year either. I grew in starts and stops (mental, emotional, and spiritual growth is just as exhausting as physical growth) I am still capable of feeling just as rotten, just as angry. But I have noticed that those negative periods don't last as long. I have found ways of dealing with my emotions constructively. Most of this is only doing things that I feel necessary (ie, showering, working, feeding my cats) or things that I really want to do. For example, when I left my job today, I decided to come home and write a blog post. I really, really wanted to do this. And I feel a whole lot better even now than I did before I started writing.
Back to the rainy day metaphor. I have a lot of good days (sunny ones) which are punctuated by some negative ones (rainy days). But, (are you ready for some cheesy pie?) I have come to find out that while the clouds block the sun from me on the rainy days, the sun is still always there, smiling down at me from above the clouds. All it takes is getting into the proper mindset.
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