Wednesday, June 17, 2015

How to Find Ducky Friends

Duckies are incredibly rare.  One could go ones whole life without seeing one.  This satirical post is designed to help you find these elusive creatures.

Tip number one: Whatsoever you do, do not mistake ducky friends for geese.

Contrary to popular belief, Canada Geese are unable to change their feathers to blend into their environments.

Ducky friends are cute, loveable and small.  They do not charge you, hiss, or make threatening "Yo Momma" statements when you get to near.  They merely swim away, like krill.

Selfish goose.

Geese will get into trouble, and not loveable trouble.  The goose pictured above thought he owned some raised flower beds and could eat whatever he wanted.  Until I threw a stick at him.  Then he came at me, brah, and that's how I broke my hand.

Most of the time duckies are found in water, much like the female bufflehead shown below.  Ducks float because they are buoyant,  Much like witches, or very small rocks.

Even though this bufflehead looks like a miniature Canada Goose, it is not inherently evil like all Canada Geese.

Do you notice any difference between that duck above and the bird below?  If you answered "The bird below isn't a duck", duh.  How can you tell?  Because he's perching on a branch just out of the water.  However, if he were to fall into the water, he would become a duck by the magic of transmogrification, which all ponds have inherent in them (as noted by the Brothers Grimm).

A not-a-duck bird
Wood ducks, however, will perch on branches.  But I haven't got any pictures of them because they are some of the most secretive members of duck society, much like the Illuminati in our society.

Barnacle goose in captivity at Louisville Zoo
The one exception to the "all geese are evil" rule is this little goose, called a barnacle goose.  These geese lay eggs atop 400 foot cliffs, and then must make their way to the water the day after they hatch.  The fall from such a height knocks some sense into them, which prevents the inherent evilness in goosedom.  However, close quarters with other geese will have an adverse effect on their personalities, so if kept in captivity, it's best that they have their own ponds. 

 These aren't the only water fowl to rest atop of rocks though.  Most ducks like to take a wet reprieve on a nice toasty warm rock, like these little mallards. Mallards also like to swing both ways.

It's okay when it's in a three way
Which is obviously what's going on here; the male in the front has a female for reproduction purposes and another male for side booty.  This is generally frowned upon in ducky society.  Unless he had another female ducky on the side.  That would be okay.

Sometimes ducks are weird; sometimes they appear in places where lots of people congregate and pretend that they're okay with us.  Sometimes they even beg for food.  Do not make the mistake of feeding them breadcrumbs.  This is their secret food that allows them to morph into geese (since they are immune to all transmogrification ponds).

A male mallard, obviously attempting to beg for food.
Instead, take them peas, corn, oats, or another grain-like substance (as long as it is not white bread!).  This food will keep them docile and sweet.

Sometimes, when you're walking through the woods, a pair of hooded mergansers surprise you!  This is because these ducks are the archnemeses of turtles.

Turtles spying on a hooded merganser pair
You see those turtles on the log?  They're camouflaged so that the mergansers will spill government secrets in front of the turtles without realizing it.  This is why mergansers are diving ducks, because they go on the hunt for turtles in the murky water.

Nothing is cuter than baby duckies.  Nothing.  Especially when they waddle around on shore, dive into water, and hop out again, which is what they love to do the most.  In fact, it's safe to say that baby duckies are the cutest babies ever.  And yes, that includes human babies.  Or should I say poop factories.

Ducklings taking a bath

I mean, you never hear a ducky mom complain about her babies.  Nope, she parades them around through the world, shows them off to whomever she wants.  Whoever heard of a human baby stopping traffic?  Ducky moms stop traffic all the time, because they like to show off their babies to the humans in the cars.

Either that, or they're checking out their reflections on the shiny bumpers.  Further research needs to be done on this topic.

Anyway, if you're not lucky enough to live in an apartment complex that has a water feature, you're missing out.  You should move to one immediately.  Rare ducky sightings happen much more often when water is present.

And let's face it, even kitties like ducklings!

Luckily, the window prevents the ducks from flying up and snatching my cat

I took all of these pictures, which doesn't mean that I was lucky with my ducky sightings.  It means that I have an "in" with ducky society.  These are all posed photos that the duck president put together so that I could show them to humans.

Hope you enjoyed.  And remember, the only predator of the common house cat is the duck.


Male and female mallard

Why else do you think cats hate water so much?

















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